Saturday, June 4, 2011

Why I've been MIA

Hey everyone! I am truly sorry that I have been absent for a month (give or take). I promise I have a good reason but I'll get to that in a bit. I will be posting some really cool stuff in the coming days and weeks, so please don't get frustrated with me, and think that I abandoned you. 
You may recall that I went on a cruise a few weeks ago. Well, when I got home, you know you have way more laundry than you expected, the house is a total mess, even though you left it spotless. And how in the world can there be that many dishes in the sink? After the cruise-aftermath got cleaned up, I got some wonderful news. I am pregnant! We have been trying for 6 months, {which I know isn't long, but we have been wanting to get pregnant for about a year before that, but we had a few things that needed to be fixed before- I have depression, and I had to get those hormones fixed before I could add baby hormones to the mix}. So, here I am just as happy as could be, running around trying to figure out things like, where would we put the new baby? Is it a boy or a girl? If it's a girl, that means I'll have to clean out my craft room... That may be a problem. How will we be able to afford this baby? What if something went wrong? Etc etc etc. All kinds of things go through your mind when your family is going to get bigger.
All the while, I was thinking to myself, I have to get back to my blog, and just relax and de-stress with some crafting/homemaking and whatever else I post. Then, 4 days ago, I started spotting. Nothing to worry about, my friends said it happened to them, and everything turned out fine. I called the doctor and they wanted me to come in just for a routine check, to make sure that everything really is fine.
I met my husband at the dr's office, he just got done with his first job, and we were excited to get the first look at our new baby (2 weeks earlier than we thought!). When we got back to the exam room, and the dr. started the ultra sound. I looked at his face, he looked worried, and concerned. Then, he pointed to line and said, "This is where we look for the baby. I don't see a baby there. I am going to try to see if there is a tubal pregnancy {aka ectopic pregnancy}." He couldn't find any definite sign of a tubal pregnancy, so he said I had to go to the hospital to get blood work, and another ultrasound. Then he left us in the exam room. I started to get dressed, my husband said, "Are you okay?" And then I lost it. We weren't going to have a baby after all. The baby was gone, or it is where it shouldn't be, and I'd have to lose the baby anyway. My husband had to go to his other job on an emergency, so I went to the hospital with my 2 year old. Trying to hold it together, and being brave is a hard thing to do by yourself. So, they did the first round of blood work, and said they couldn't do the ultrasound until later that day. So, back to my house I went (which is a half hour away). That drive home was the hardest drive ever. I felt such sadness, but yet a very peaceful feeling as well.
The ultrasound at the hospital came back inconclusive as to whether I had an ectopic pregnancy or not, so I would have to come back to the hospital in two days to get the second half of my blood work done. 
The day before I was getting the blood work done, was a seriously hard day. I don't think I have cried harder in my life. I was aching for the child we lost. I kept thinking to myself, I will never be able to hold this child, hear it's laugh or cry, see if it would have brown or blue eyes, or if it's hair would be as red as my son's. My only consolation is my faith, the belief that I will be able to have an answer to all of these questions, and many, many more in the next life, Heaven. 
When I got the results of my blood work, I had lost 800 points of hCG, the hormone that the baby puts out. That means I did indeed lose the pregnancy, but they asked me to come in for another ultrasound. This time to see if there was still tissue, or if there were better clues as to where the pregnancy was. This one also came back inconclusive. Very frustrating to say the least. But, as I said before I felt peace, along with sadness, feeling of intense loss, and some guilt. 
I know that I will be able to see my child again one day, though not on this Earth. I know that my Heavenly Father is there, that He listens to my prayers, and answers them. I know that one day, I'll have answers as to why this happened. I know for now, I will have to content myself with knowing that this child just needed to have a body for a short time, and that it was a very choice soul, who was needed in Heaven to help spread the Gospel to people who have gone on before. I know that is why I have felt such peace, because my child is doing what our Heavenly Father wanted it to do. I will never forget my child, I will think of it daily. I will mourn the loss of it, and pray for it multiple times during the day, and be thankful for the wonderful son that we have with us here on Earth. 
To my child in Heaven: Mommy, Daddy and your brother miss you deeply, I am so sad that we won't be able to meet for a time, but I know you are where you should be. I can't wait for the day where I can hold you in my arms, and talk with you, and get to know you, not just as my child, but as a child of God. I love you, with all my heart, and I will never forget you. You'll forever be in my heart, and be a part of our lives. We love you! Until we meet, in Heaven!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Jude

6 comments:

AntiqueChase said...

Erin,
I'm so sorry for your loss!! Thinking of you!

Lesley Litrento said...

I too had this happen to me. A few months down the road, I was pregnant again and that little boy is still giving me a hard time 16 years later!! lol Hang in there.... You will have another baby, and this time it will be meant to be. Blessings....

Courtney B said...

Erin, I'm so sorry :( this makes me sad everytime I think of you. That baby is so lucky to be a part of your sweet eternal family!!

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

Happy to have you back! Also happy to have found your blog.

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

p.s. prayers for your family headed your way.

Eileen said...

How. On earth. Did I miss this post!? Erin. I'm so sorry.

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